


“Did you always know that you were going to leave?”

by LouisaPeters



Series: Prompts [8]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Abandonment, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Denial of Feelings, F/M, I'm Bad At Tagging, Love Confessions, POV Cassian Andor, Running Away, Trust Issues, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-21
Updated: 2019-04-21
Packaged: 2020-01-23 16:00:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,621
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18553057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LouisaPeters/pseuds/LouisaPeters
Summary: When Cassian tells Jyn he loves her, she does what she thinks she does best and runs. Cassian knows how to find someone who doesn't want to be found though and that's exactly what he intends to do.





	“Did you always know that you were going to leave?”

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dasakuryo](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dasakuryo/gifts).



Cassian Andor woke up with a throbbing headache and the taste of bitter fruit liquor. He rose up from the bed, slow and careful and blinked the leftover sleep out of his eyes. Slow and careful, Cassian moved his hand to Jyn’s side of the bed. It was cold and the sheets on that side were undisturbed. He inhaled slowly and pushed his feet out of bed, pulling off the blue sleep pants and changing into his fatigues. 

He hadn’t expected Jyn to come to bed. He knew she wasn’t still in medbay, but he knew he wasn’t seeing her for at least forty eight hours. So really, it wasn’t worry that gnawed at him, it was disappointment. 

She was going to be fine and he wasn’t going to invade her privacy. She’d passed out but he’d caught her before she hit her head on anything and the Meddroids had told him it was stress, which he could have guessed himself. 

He knew he was an idiot sometimes, that he could be a romantic, that the meticulous deliberate thoughts that went into mission work didn’t always translate to his interpersonal relationships, but this really took the cake, even for him. 

Jyn Erso had commitment issues. Jyn Erso had trust issues. Jyn Erso was not good at talking out her feelings or having real conversations because when Cassian Andor had told her he loved her for the first time the night before, he half knew he was digging himself a hole and half expected that maybe she could forget the fact that not everyone was as emotionally stunted as she was and some people saw this is a really wonderful first step and just be happy. Not Jyn though, apparently, because she’d blanched a paler white than he’d ever seen her before and her eyes went wide, like saucers and her breathing picked up and she’d passed out. 

Cassian didn’t think Kay would ever let her live it down when he inevitably heard about it second hand from Bodhi, who she was probably spending the day with, running away from her problems, which was pretty par for the course for Jyn, because for someone so kriffing confrontational and so god damn opinionated, she sure was good at avoiding heavy conversations. 

So no, Cassian wasn’t worried when he woke up and her side of the bed was pristine. He wasn’t even worried when the MedDroids didn’t know where she was, Han or Baze had probably busted her out. He was slightly worried though when neither Han, Baze, Bodhi, or Shara had seen her and he was nearly in a full blown panic when Draven told him a ship from the hanger had been stolen and files had been forged last night, saying Jyn Erso would be running a solo mission and needed a small ship, hyperspace capability, and the tracker disabled. 

He got clearance to leave as soon as he could and when Kay told him that it was possible to slice through the systems on the small ship and find out where it tracked too, Cassian didn’t really care if he was invading her privacy, he told the droid to do it. 

Aelara was an ocean world. With long white beaches, dark watered lagoons and oceans, and rolling dunes. Sentiants went there on vacation. They’d pack for the week and sit on the beach and laugh and talk and smile. Cassian had been there once to meet a contact, a rich arms dealer on vacation, but he’d never been besides that and he didn’t really want to. He hated the beach. Even before Scariff, the sand got in his boots and he couldn’t swim. 

On the flight over, Cassian found out about Josnic Saibry. Jyn had commed the man from the internal messenger on the ship and Kay sliced the system and got him the conversation as well as the Alliances’ file on him. 

Josnic Sabry was a former member of the partisans, turned small arms dealer for the rebellion, or so it said in his file. He built bombs for Saw Gerrera, but rarely did field work anymore because he lost a leg in a shootout with Stormtroopers. After that he retired. 

Jyn commed him in a panic from the ship, asking for somewhere to stay and a blaster and some credits. He was shocked to hear her cry. He said that he would never have been used to hearing tears from someone who could set a building on fire at fourteen and assassinate a low ranking imperial leader at fifteen. She had denied crying and tried to hang up, but he told her if she could come, he’d help her. That was where the conversation ended and Cassian found himself not just angry at her, though he certainly was, but worried for her as well. Getting back in with Saw’s men was dangerous and he didn’t want that for her, even if she left him and the Alliance. 

He found her on the beach, her worn leather bag next to her and her boots off and her sleeves rolled up. Her arms were wrapped around her knees and she was motionless, staring off into the sunset. Cassian tried to make noise walking up behind her, so as not to startle her, but because she chose a kriffing beach, there wasn’t much to do other than kick sand. He was behind her and she still hadn’t moved when he spoke first. 

“You lost your touch, I think,” he said softly. “Draven knew the files were forged.” She whipped around, startled and her eyes went wide again. He raised his hands in surrender. “Can I sit with you, Jyn? I won’t come closer, I won’t touch you, and I won’t say it again. I’ll just sit here.” Jyn blinked. She looked frozen, but after a few seconds, nodded. Cassian sat down next to her and crossed her legs, turning to face her. She was looking back out at the water.

“How did you find me?” She asked, her knees still clutched to her chest.  
“You forgot to disable to second layer of security. Kay was able to slice it and we tracked the ship,” Cassian said and Jyn snorted. 

“Target practice in there wanting to gloat?” She nodded towards the ship and Cassian huffed a smile. 

“I told him he couldn’t mention any of this to you. Didn’t think you’d want to talk about how you got scared and fainted,” Cassian poked and subtly turned to look at her to see if she’d take the bait. 

“I didn’t faint and I wasn’t scared.” She hadn’t turned to face him, but her arms were crossed and her lip was out in a small pout, like usual, when she knew she was getting into an argument. 

“I think MedDroids would disagree and you did pass out.” Cassian said, as pointed as he could. 

“I lost consciousness,” she argued. “There’s a difference.” He opened his mouth to say something else, but he could feel a smile creeping into his lips and for a whole few minutes he forgot what absolut shavit this situation was. It started to feel familler and warm and she he turned away from her and sighed, breaking off the banter. 

“Did you always know that you were going to leave?” His voice came out softer than he intended because all he wanted to do was snap, to hiss, and to make her feel what he felt, but he couldn’t bring himself too. He could never stand seeing her upset. “I think some part of me always knew you were going to leave, I just didn’t want it to be true. We were so happy, Jyn.” He shook his head and looked out at the sunset. 

“I didn’t plan it.” Her voice cut through the silence and the lapping of the waves. “I freaked. When you said it. I freaked.” She pulled her knees closer and looked from the sunset to the sand. “I just did what I knew how to do.” Cassian sighed. He ran a hand through his hair and closed his eyes. 

“I know.” He didn’t take his eyes off the sunset. “I know you did, Jyn.” He exhaled long and hard and felt all of the energy he had built up on the ship leave him and he closed his eyes. “I just thought that we meant more than no goodbye and forged file.” Jyn shook her head. 

“Cassian, it has nothing to do with you.” She pulled her knees closer, kicking sand in the process. “Don’t you get that this is for you? It killed me to leave. You gave me home. I never had home before.” He turned to face her, the sand parting where he put down his hand and moved an inch closer to her. 

“Then tell me why you did it, Jyn.” The air was It was three days after her arrival that she heard his voice, thick with emotion and she felt her own throat clog as she took a gasping breath of fresh air. Cassian shook his head. “You owe me that much. Even if I can’t get you back on that ship, you owe me a reason.” 

It took her a minute but she turned to him and then with a out of character deliberateness, she reached over and touched his hand. Her actions were usually frantic, never calculated, never thought through, like she was always trying to gasp for air and keep herself from drowning, but now, she seemed content to just float as she looked at him with sad, green eyes. 

“You gave me something I never had before. Home.” He sat there, waiting for me, but apparently, she was done because she turned to the sunset again and let his hand drop into the hot sand, leaning back until she was lying down on the beach looking up at a now dark sky. “I love looking at the stars and planets,” she whispered softly. “They never change.” Cassian snorted and kicked his feet out in front of him.

“Merida. Planets change if you incinerate them into space dust. You don’t know how many of them we saved that day on the beach. Your whole metaphor is bantha shit.” The ghost of a smile danced across Jyn’s face as he spoke and he could see it in the light of Aelara’s three moons. She stayed lying, but reached for his hand, which he let her take. She raised it to her lips and pressed the flutter of a kiss to it. 

“I am sorry I hurt you. Trust me on that at least and-” He wrenched his hand away and didn’t let her finish. 

“No! Carajo! No more about stars and space dust and trust. Tell me, Jyn. Really tell me. What happened? I know it upset you. I want to know why and what I can do.” He could see her eyes starting to swell with tears and Cassian took a deep breath. If he just pushed a little harder, it would hurt, but he needed the truth. She needed the truth. “Don’t give me shavit. I know that’s really what you’re best at, but I thought you cared about me more than a-” She snapped up from where she was lying and rose up. 

“Cassian! Are you that dense?” She stood and dusted the sand off herself. He took a deep breath. He could see her getting upset. Just a little harder and he steeled himself. 

“I said your father was proud of you that day. That you cared about something other than yourself. Don’t make me think I misjudged.” Jyn leaned down on the bench nearby and gasped in a breath. He could tell he’d hit the right nerves.   
“Cassian! You have no idea how much I care about you! I gave up home for you! Echo Base is home, you were right! And I gave that up! And now-” Jyn choked and reached a hand up wipe her eyes. Cassian slowly rose from where he was sitting on the beach to stand next to her. 

“And now what?” He kept his voice gentle and soft and waited until she was ready to speak. 

“And now you’ve messed it all up by saying that.” He slowly reached over to her, putting a hand on her shoulder and expecting her to pull away, but she didn’t. She just snapped her own hands up to grab his and she gripped it tight. 

“Why does it have to be messed up? Jyn? We’ve done impossible together. We can do this too. Please tell me, what’s wrong so I can fix it.” She let go of his hand and looked up at him. Her eyes were shining with tears and her face was peeling with a sunburn from sitting on the beach so long. 

“Cassian,” she started and took a deep breath. “Cassian, everyone I have ever loved is dead. Saw, my parents, and we should have died too. And one day, when you do die, it’ll be my fault and I can’t live with that.” She stopped. “When you told me you loved me, I saw something I couldn’t have and for a second, just one second, I let myself think about what it would be like to be loved and, Cassian, I don’t think I can do it.” 

Cassian didn’t move as she spoke. He stood next to her and listened and suddenly he was acutely aware of how hot the sand was. It burned just like it did that day and he took a long deep breath and turned to her. 

“Jyn, stop.” He took a step closer to where she was standing. “Don’t think about that, just-”

“But Cassian! How can you not think about that? How can you just say that and know that one day I’ll be gone and it might be your fault and then how would you be able to live with yourself knowing that this was your one chance and you blew it, just by being yourself and-” Slow and careful, he raised a hand and put on her shoulder and moved to pull her close. 

“Don’t. You’ll make this harder than-” She tried to push him away, but he gripped her tighter and put his hand on her head, letting it rest on his shoulder. 

“I am not going to think about any of that. I am going to be impulsive. If I can, you can too, hm? You’re very good at it usually.” He could hear a wet laugh and he whispered into her hair again. “I’m just going to take it one day at a time because in the world we live in, that is the only thing we can do. Jyn? Hm? Let me help you take it one day at a time?” She didn’t try to push him away, she pressed herself closer to him and he just tightened his grip. 

“Cassian,” she gasped. He nodded. 

“I know, I know, just breathe. We’ll get through this. Just like everything else. We’ll get through it.” She was gripping him now too and he let them both sink down into the sand. 

“What do I do?” She whispered. “I don’t know what to do.” 

“We’re going to take a walk back to the ship. Then we’re going to get on and that’s all right now. Can you do just that?” He asked. She exhaled hard before nodding. 

“Yeah, I can,” she said softly. “Can I get a redo first though?” Cassian laughed. 

“A redo?” He was smiling now and he nodded, leaning even closer and pressing his lips up to her ear. “Jyn Erso? I love you.”

**Author's Note:**

> Send me prompts on tumblr at thelostgalaxyinspace!


End file.
